Some Advice for Republicans
by Keith Shirey
5/30/06


In thinking about the upcoming Congressional elections I was wondering if Republicans were going to use wedge issues, such as same-sex marriage and flag burning, as effectively as they did in 2002 and 2004.  I see that, unlike 2004, not many states have ballot initiatives outlawing same sex marriage.  This does not advance the cause of the Grand Old Party.  Of course the Senate will soon be debating that issue in the form of a constitutional amendment, forcing Democrats to oppose it, and therefore go on record as being the spawns of satan.  It has no chance of getting the two-thirds vote necessary but it is raw meat for the far right evangelicals who are a huge part of the Republican base.  But, of course evangelicals, even far right ones, are affected by high gas prices, unnecessary deaths of loved ones in Iraq, working class wage stagnation, and the outsourcing of jobs under Republicans like the rest of us.  I wonder if they will be suckered into voting Republican again with these issues and the debacle of Bush's invasion and attempted occupation of Iraq.

Considering the above, I think the Republicans need to be more creative in bringing out the yokels in the Bible Belt and (sometimes affluent ones) in Orange County, California.  What they need to do is propose is a Constitutional Amendment that will energize this base.  I therefore offer this friendly advice: They should offer an Amendment to the Constitution Of The United states mandating that all people, married within the U.S.  and its territories, be draped in the Flag of the United States, during the marriage ceremony, affirm a belief in a monotheistic sky god, swear a loyalty oath of allegiance to the government of the United States and, furthermore, swear an unrestrained obedience to the decrees and orders of the Department Of Homeland Security.  the National Security Agency and the FBI.  Now that should show the terrorist loving immoral liberals that the Republicans mean business!

This would be an excellent way to keep the yahoos in the Republican tent and forget that they have been stepped on and crushed by the Republican elephant's giant feet of incompetence, venality and stupidity.  If that doesn't satisfy the far right Christians, perhaps a Constitutional Amendment mandating the death penalty for scientists engaging in stem cell research and teachers teaching the theory of evolution will prove efficacious in bringing out the vote of the Republican base.  Of course there are other wedge issues that might work for the GOP.  How about demanding that the body of Terry Schiavo be exhumed so that Dr.  Bill Frist can perform an autopsy?